My Precious

Wine, you and I have been friends for a long time. Longer than I’d like to admit. But I really think we need to have some new boundaries in our “relationship”.

There you are my pretty.

First, you must remain by yourself without my connection from Sunday until Friday evening. Yes, I know you always mean well. But sometimes my head does not agree with you the next morning. I won’t broach the subject of my liver…We haven’t been “tight” for years. I saw it on the road the other day with its suitcase. It was a pretty sad sight. But it looked happy and who am I to judge.

Second, you must stop calling my friends. It is especially embarrassing when you leave incoherent messages and start blabbing incessantly. I know you just love my friends, but sometimes they don’t like you. Even if you swear you’ve made a new breakthrough which answers all life questions.

Third, you must never ever get on my Facebook account. Your status updates, though quite witty, use far too many swear words and are rarely neutral. In addition there is no need to comment on everyone else’s statuses, nor is a thumbs up warranted for every friends’ posts. Though you think you’re funny, the next day you’re actually anxiety producing. And then when I must delete your “words” I just make other people look like they’re talking to themselves. So now you’ve embarrassed two people.

Fourth, you must stop tricking me into thinking, “Just one more beer, vodka, heaven forbid tequilla and then you’ll let me sleep.” Once you’re finished with me, there is no need for you to have one of your other friends  jump out and scream, “CHECK.ME.OUT. Shiny and new. Open me up and then we’ll make some calls.”

Now play fair you two.

We’ve been through a lot, you and I. And I’m really only asking for some little things. I’ve been your vessel for too long. No more tricking me with your silly tastings, pairing yourself with great food, cheese and bread and great conversation. So if you could just keep your end of the bargain, I don’t see us breaking up anytime in the near future.

Forever faithfully yours,

Juliet

P.S. We’ll talk about the dancing next time.

Oh what tangled webs we weave.

Oh what tangled webs we weave.

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9 responses to “My Precious

  1. As a sit with MY glass of wine and read your post, it seems strangely unfamiliar– And I definitely will not be able to relate to next weeks post regarding dancing. Me make a fool of my self dancing, yeah right. I took care of that during our “spinner days”……or did I? HE-HE Love it!

    • Ha — I know right! I took a little creative license and imagined what a relationship with alcohol would be like. I think I hit right on the head. Sadly, I could come up with at least 10 more things but I didn’t want to seem too pushy!

  2. hahahaha literally, love it. A little upset though because it seems wine has been whispering the same sweet nothings in my ear….I never did trust its classy demeanor.

  3. Oh Juliet! You are way too funny! You should really consider sending this in to some major periodical…….Wine Connoisseur? New York Times? Do it!

  4. That was wonderful…and sadly, so true. Also, I’d like it if wine would stop texting people it hasn’t spoken to in years…you know, just to say hi…at 2AM.

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